New start, again

I'm 25 years old this year. Unbelievable.

 

I decided to leave social media (except youtube) for good.

There nothing wrong with it, but my mental health been badly affected by it.

Sometimes I feel like a psycho, stalker, and narcissist.

The worst person in the world. Toxic. Always compare myself with people's lives.

Looking at myself, feeling depressed as ever. Thats why I want to make an end to it.

I think I have PTSD, i always cry thinking about my brother's presence when he's here.

I mourning and cry endlessly, rapid heartbeat, sweating, feeling suicidal.

He used to abused me. Mentally, physically. And even want to kick me out of the house.

Its acceptable if he want to teach me a lesson before my 20's. Sadly, he did the same in my 20's.

I'm not a kid anymore. I feel left out. He kissed other sister but not me. 

He compared me to others when I unable to give my best.

Not just him, my father as well. 

I feel like I dont deserve anyone's love. 

I went alone to diagnose myself. I know I'm not okay.

After several appointment, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I look through it.

Everything seems spot on. But I dont use violence, just like how TV shows portrays.

Everything that Kdrama portrays regarding to BPD is fucking bullshit.

We're not a serial killer. Totally misleading.

 

I have trouble with my eating habits too.

I used to be an obese girl when I was young. 

My family always make fun of my physique, they laugh when they saw some kid that is obese and said I'm just like them. 

I feel ashamed. They think its funny, but not to me. I feel ugly.

So I decided to purge all my food. Everytime I eat, i will purge in a cup, or anywhere that I can puke the food.

Until I become anorexic. I hate sweet treats, I hate food. I'm 35kg that time.

Severe hair loss , i cried when I have to eat. But mama told me to eat, she cried when I look like a sick person.

I feel loved because I feel like my mum care and worried about me.

So i forced myself to eat like usual.

Then I developed Bulimia + Binge habits

Till now. 

My weight fluctuates.

It won't stop.

 

Countless heartbreaks, as I'm the one who sabotage the relationship because I always insecure and jealous.

I want my partner to feel that I'm enough, pretty than other girls.

But no, theres always someone that is 10000x better than me.

I had to cut it off due to my insecurities.

I feel like I'm too broken to be in love. 

I can't be like them.

I can't be the best.

I'm not smart and stylish.

My hair is ugly.

My skin is dry.

I need to love myself to love other people. 

I dont want to be the one who always 'Take' (Give and Take).

I feel like the useless one.

I'll just keep living until I die.